Modesty in dress

8th of Heshvan 5780 Hanoch Ne’eman New Jersey

Trying to convince people of the virtue of modest dressing is like trying to convince people of the virtue of modest eating – but more difficult.

People understand the ill effects of over-eating. They are more oblivious, willingly or otherwise, to the ill effects of dress habits. Plus the ill effects are more on others, than eating.

How you dress is important. We all have sexual feelings, even children. What we see affects them. If we want to keep our sexual feelings under control, we need to be mindful of what we see. How would you like to see pictures of food all day? That would be pretty annoying, would it not? When it is actually time for a meal, then you are happy to see a nice plate of food, right? So it is with our sexuality. It should not be on exhibit. It has its time and place. If you parade it where it does not belong, you can debase it.

A good analogy perhaps is driving at night without your headlights on. In the well-lit city, this is not hard to do. You, as the driver, can see the road and other cars alright, and don’t realize that having your lights off makes you dangerous to others. That is similar to someone dressing immodestly. She doesn’t notice anything wrong – but she can be dangerous to others by exciting their sexuality inappropriately.

Staten’s Island

29 Iyar, 5779 New Jersey Chanoch Ne’eman

On Friday I was in Long Island, having gone out there for a shidduch meeting. I left the Five Towns area at 3 pm. Foolishly, I turned on my vehicle’s GPS to steer me home.

This GPS has a good sense of humor. It took me in circles. I went past JFK airport, twice. I went past Prospect Park. Up Ocean Avenue. Eventually it said “out of memory, use other travel route – press OK” and turned off.

So not having a cell phone with data, I asked some folks on a bench on Ocean Ave. They weren’t sure, or what they said sounded wrong, so I asked a older fellow of some foreign accent, and he told me what sounded more right.

So I am crawling over the Verrazanno at 6 pm. Candle-lighting is at 8:05 pm, and I am trying to get to Lawrenceville, NJ, on the far side of the state. Called some of my parents’s friends in Staten Island to ask if i can stay with them in an emergency. They said no, they are leaving now.

Around 6:25, we are crawling slowly over Staten Island. I need to use the bathroom. I decide I have to get off to do at least that.

I try getting off at exit 13, but I am blocked by traffic. I get off at Exit 14, go up the ramp, in left lane. Sign says left lane must turn left, so I turn left. go up hill, looking for store to stop. Turn right near some grocery, but signs say no parking, its near some big church. I keep going and come to light. I say to Hashem, I am flustered, but I have good thoughts and good feelings it’s going to be alright. I know you are already sending the rescue. I am not scared at all, I say. Then I see a car go through the light driven by a hasidic Jew it seems to me. I try to see where he went, I want to follow him.

When the light changes, I turn, drive past the fellow as he is getting out of his car. I park, and notice other Jewish people. So I figure I will ask for a shul and ask if I can pay someone to let me stay by them.

I meet s couple and ask them what neighborhood it is? They say Willowbrook. There is a Young Israel in a couple blocks they say. I walk there, where the early Shabbos minyan is starting.

Someone calls out a man who was the previous President of the shul. He speaks with me and says he will arrange a place for me to stay and places to eat.

I had a lovely Shabbos there.

Motzoei Shabbos, I left at 10 pm, and got home at 11:30 pm, with no traffic. Meaning I could not have made it home in time Friday.

Talking

28 Nisan 5779 New Jersey Chanoch Ne’eman

Talking is very important to organize your thoughts. If you have people you can talk to about your life regularly, consider yourself lucky. Not everyone does. I find it rather difficult to find folks to talk to. That is one reason I hope to remarry soon. If you can talk to your spouse about your life, that’s a real benefit.

What do you do in absence of interlocutors?

Some suggestions:

-Talk to yourself – dialogue between yourself and your “concerned, intelligent friend”, out loud.

-Do the same thing – but on paper.

-Pray to Heaven.

-Combination of the above.

The Smiling Rabbi

28 Heshvan 5779 Chanoch Ne’eman  Jerusalem

When Rav Kook started the Chief Rabbinate during the Mandate Days, he of course had high hopes for it. And it has done great things, and does great things, and will do great things. But I doubt he would have imagined that someday the institution would be besmirched by a Chief Rabbi going to jail for bribery. How could it happen?

The Rabbi who managed to do this is indeed one of the most smiley people you will ever meet. Which, as Dale Carnegie might tell you, is a good way to win friends and influence people. It is also a good midda, as our Sages said, “Greet everyone with a cheerful face” (Pirke Avot). When he sat in court he was smiling too, and when he arrived in jail he was smiling too! So we can’t say we have nothing to learn from him – indeed – to smile through life, even in tough times, is a good midda.

But still we must ask, how did a bribe-taker become Chief Rabbi?

The answer alas is, I fear: by taking a bribe.

What do I mean?

A Great Rabbi, who many other Rabbis looked to for leadership, backed the Smiling Rabbis’s candidacy, which meant that many Rabbis on the electoral committee would support him, the Smiling Rabbi. This was despite the fact that there were other candidates of arguably higher caliber. The implication of this support, it seems, was an expectation that this Chief Smiler would advance halachic positions which the Great Rabbi favored. This, in essence, is a sort of bribe, is it not? A quid pro quo?

I am sure the Great Rabbi didn’t see it as that, and that he did not suspect the Smiling Rabbi of being a bribe taker, alas the truly righteous often fail to see the flaws of others, as our Father Yitzchak was ready to bless Esav.

All Rabbis and public servants have to be independent in their judgement. They must make their own decisions, regardless of who supported them. Trading influence for support is taking a bribe.

Interesting to compare this sad episode with the opposition of many Rabbis, in the year 5734, to the appointment of Rabbi Shlomo Goren, of blessed memory, to be Chief Rabbi. It was precisely because Rabbi Goren was so independent that they opposed him. The Rabbi who captured the Old City and Hebron with his shofar and sefer Torah was not someone to let others dictate his decisions! Indeed, it has often been said that the sign of a good Rabbi is that the kehilla wants to run him out of town!

The Hatam Sofer explains at length in Shut Hatam Sofer (Hoshen Mishpat, Chapter 21), that the Rishonim banned one who takes authority over a community without the agreement of the community. And therefore, appointing Rabbis without asking the community has no effect, and such a Rav does not have the din of Mora D’atra, Rav of that Place.

So exactly what the lessons are from the Smiling Bribe-Taking Rabbi are, I am still trying to figure out. Welcome your thoughts.

 

Halloween

22 Heshvan, 5779 Chanoch Ne’eman, Jerusalem (c)

Halloween is about Death, I am sorry to say. About Man’s fear of it. Some pagan baggage brought over from England in colonial days.

Its messages are negative at best, morbid at worst. Trick or Treat? –  Trick means deny your fears. Treat means indulge so to forget them.

If a child was afraid of the dark, would you advise them to dress up like a ghost? Or give them candy to take to bed?

I think one would do better to say, “Yes, the Dark can be pretty scary, but I am not far away, and really you will be fine, don’t worry.”

In other words, we need to give ourselves and each other Love, not tricks or treats. I suggest skipping Halloween and waiting for Thanksgiving, a more American holiday.

(written after recent visits in New Jersey and London)

Overboard in Jerusalem

7 Iyar 5778 Jerusalem  Chanoch Ne’eman

Today I was walking up KKL Street, with a shidduch, and I see my friend Shlomo the Chabadnik standing on the side with a small tefillin table. Shlomo I know from the hood and the shteeple’ach, and I respect that he walks the streets on Rosh Hashana blowing shofar for folks who did not hear shofar in shul, who want to hear. He says to me, “Chanoch, hi, come put on Rabenu Tam tephillin!” “That is a little much, Shlomo”, I reply, “I put on Rashi”. “Have you ever in your life put on Rebenu Tam?”, he asks. “I don’t know”, I say, but no thanks, and I am on a date”, pointing to my companion. “She wants you to put them on!”, he urges. “Bye Shlomo”, I say “another time”.

If I were a psychologist, I might name this phenomenon the “Shaliach Syndrome“; the condition of trying to get someone to do something, not so much because it is good for them to do, but because it would make you feel good to have them do it.

(I have to beware of falling into it myself, I admit.)

Pumpkins vs Purim

orig. written: 3rd of Heshvan, 5778, Lawrenceville, NJ  Hanoch Ne’eman

Halloween approaches in America. Need to ask: why some people are moved to put tombstones and skulls in their front yards? Necrophilia? Hard to say that plays no role.

Can we see anything good in Halloween? Yes. It’s fun to see people dressed up in “normal” costumes, like mermaids or caterpillars (not ogres or monsters). And does not trick or treating get people to meet their neighbors a bit? We often have no contact with people in our neighborhood. Though the implied threat of “trick” and the often accompanying Halloween vandalism is negative.

I can’t help contrasting this with Purim and sending portions, shaloch manot, to your neighbors. There you send something as a gift to your neighbor, instead of asking for it. But we also have the other side on Purim of gifts to the poor, where the poor often do come and ask.

And on Purim many folks dress up in costumes too.

Here in Jersey, for Halloween, many folks “decorate” their homes and shrubs with giant “spider webs”. Thank you very much, I have enough work keeping the real spider webs out of my home!

So I think the conclusion is that we should teach more people to celebrate Purim and then maybe they can leave the pumpkins for for pies and nothing more. Maybe they can make pumpkin hamentashen.

Bald Eagle

15 Iyar 5777, Hanoch Ne’eman, Scottsdale

Some nights ago, without me hearing it, it rained here. Let me tell you, there were a lot of happi cacti out there on the morrow. The Saguaros were simply swelling with joy. The air smelled beautiful too. Had to clean the dust marks of the car, but that was a small price to pay.

Two Shabboses before today, I took a walk down to Hayden Road in the late afternoon.

Elizabeth Rose – photo

I walked along Hayden Road, with its heavy traffic, up to Jackrabbit Road, then turned back. As I get closer to Chaparral Road, I see, atop a tall wooden electric pole, a very large bird. “What might that be?”, I think, “a turkey vulture or a heron, looking for fish in Chaparral Pond which is just on the other side of the street?” Getting closer, slowly, I see it is a bald eagle! And I know what they look like, because I saw them and photographed them years ago on my Aunt’s property in Vermont.

Before long the eagle got uneasy and took off. It circled high over the lake a few passes, not diving for anything, and then kept flying off. It was about 24 inches from head to toe. He kept flying off, heading north, sort of veering back and forth. I could easily still see him over a mile away.

Rav Kook wrote in 5668 (1908) in Jaffa:

The longing for freedom will reach its peak, and Man will realize that he is entitled to live in his spirit (inside) as he actually is, according to the desire of the mighty nature of his living soul – and this soul lives only in G-d. Without deep, vibrant faith, this soul has no life or light. It is fleeting as a shadow, oppressed by a terrible suffering, and parched with cruel thirst. Who would prevent her? Who would not allow her to live in G-d? Who would drive this sky bird from her nest? Who would put her in prison? Who would stop her from cruising the full expanses of heaven, the place of splendor and fresh air, full of light and life?   (Orot, pg. 218)

Yes, we should be privileged to see the eagles soaring every shabbos, wherever we are!

something old, something new

rosh hodesh Iyar 5777 H. Ne’eman Scottsdale

I am enjoying reading my Mom’s collection of old scout books. It is interesting how a hundred years ago, the general society in America dressed modestly; women in skirts, men in shirts and pants. What made values change? It is also interesting how international dress standards are today. I see a lot of the same fashions among the immodest in Israel as in America. I must conclude that if you are not taught about modesty, you are unlikely to practice it. You will want to be like others, you will want to stand out, you will want to be most comfortable.

How can we influence people for better? One, by example. Two, by insisting on clean ads in public spaces. Three, by writing and speaking to groups, such as civic and religious groups; this is a topic where we can build bridges and create constructive dialogue.

Of course this is for those inspired to it. Many of us don’t have time to devote to such things. But examples we should always be.

 

Reach, throw…

14th of Omer, H. Ne’eman, Scottsdale

Tonight I was sitting by the pool reviewing a lot of my life mistakes, I guess you could say it was the reflecting pool, at least for that time. At some time in the middle I see a big moth splashing about in the water. He keeps getting swished around, can’t get out of the water, and does not come close enough to the side for me to reach him.

In the scouts, in our lifesaving classes, we learned the order of rescue: Reach, Throw, Row, Go. Finally I remembered that there were some Styrofoam swim tubes in one of the changing rooms. I procured one of those and made the moth reach-rescue.

May Hashem be so kind as to help us out of our fixes! Ana Hashem Hoshia Na!